missing portland + being at home

The title is a little silly. I shouldn't say I miss Portland, but Oregon or even the whole pacific northwest. I moved there a few years ago and leaving was always a big regret. I had my reasons, and they were good ones, but it's times like these where we're starting to get the first few rains of the season and leaves are turning colors, that I miss it the most. If I could be in love with a place, it's the northwestern corner of the united states. I had never felt 'at home' until I moved there, and maybe it's because I was born in a hospital right in the middle of town, but I felt like I was supposed to be there. And I was! I met my 5 sisters and family I didn't even know I had (more on that later..), I felt like I could be myself for the first time and nobody would bat an eye because everyone is a little quirky. I met some amazing people and some interesting ones. Had adventures and just as much fun listening to records on the front porch. I had the most fun traveling up and down the coast of Oregon and into Washington, being in my sister's wedding in Tacoma, exploring the woods and coast and tiny towns. I didn't know I had been searching for the feeling of 'being home' until I was there. I moved in with my sister two months after meeting her for the first time and had a blast! Spontaneous photo shoots, midnight parties, baking and cooking with each other. Hot summer days and nights in the most amazing house I've ever lived in. It took me awhile to realize that the feeling I had, of feeling at home, was only because I was at peace with myself and my life. I had a large missing chunk of my life filled and questions answered when I met my sisters. I was happy with who I was and where I was going. I can always try to find the good in every situation, but when you live in such a beautiful and perfect place it's hard to leave. Once I did leave I found myself comparing everything to Oregon (my friends would say what, we have forests in california - please!), and had a hard time adjusting back to being home. It's taken me years to learn that it's just a place, it will always be there, and I can always visit - or move there again if I choose! I felt stuck in one place and it felt like the possibility of ever moving back was becoming less and less. I slipped into a huge cloud of depression and had to keep from looking at pictures of my family I left, and the place I had loved so much. It became a sort of place marker in time - when I finally felt happy with myself, felt most accepted by everyone I met, and met family I so desperately needed to meet.

It's taken a lot of thinking and evaluating, and I've come to accept that just like I had the time of my life then, moving on and creating new memories, with new faces and new situations can be just as exciting. I mean, I met the love of my life and we have a wonderfully silly puppy, good jobs, good friends, and Nevada isn't exactly the same as Oregon - but there are parts I've already come to love about it. There's new opportunities on the horizon and I don't have to experience them alone this time. The feeling of being 'at home' can be anywhere, as long as I'm happy with my myself, my life and the people in it. Even in not so ideal living situations, I'm most peaceful cuddling on the couch with Rick and our pup, and that's when I feel most at home. I don't have to look through pictures longingly when I miss it now, I can look back and appreciate the time that I spent but I'm also able to look forward to new memories and new adventures.